Boys Finish Quickly During First Sex, Girls Don't Finish At All. Debunking 5 Myths About Sex That We Need To Move On From
Is slapping in bed unacceptable and is it normal if it takes you a long time to finish?
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We want to believe that myths based on incorrect knowledge of human anatomy have already died out. I'm sure you've heard some of them, and most of them are about girls:
- Whether she is a virgin can be "checked" (no, you can't).
- The more partners a woman has in her lifetime, the more her vagina expands / loosens (it doesn't work that way at all).
- If you use erotic toys during sex, it means that you are unable or unwilling to satisfy your partner on your own (this is also not true).
We looked at questions that go deeper into human sexuality, we asked experts about the influence of pornography and erotic toys on the experience of sex, we found out whether it is even possible to experience quality sex with a person once you get used to your own toys.
From a psychologist who specialises in kink (unusual sexual practices), we learned when it is appropriate to slap or verbally humiliate someone during sex, and what are the rules in the BDSM community, which make hard sex a safe and loving experience. We haven't forgotten the desired orgasm that everyone would like to experience, but it doesn't always come the way we imagine it.
- Why we should stop associating the physiological reactions of the human body (wetness of the vagina or hardening of the nipples, or erection in the case of men) with "enough" love or desire for sex
- Whether it is true that men climax very quickly and girls not at all during their first sex
- What experts say about the influence of porn and erotic aids on the quality of sex and whether sex will lose quality once you start using a vibrator or watching erotic movies
- How do you recognise people who like BDSM and how can you have hard sex safely
- Under what circumstances is a slap in bed acceptable
If a woman really wants you, she doesn't need lube or long foreplay, let alone toys
Usually this comment comes from impatient partners who don't understand (or don't want to understand) their partner's body.
Sexual dysfunctions are quite common. According to sexologist Dana Šediva, approximately 9% of women suffer from dyspareunia or algopareunia (unpleasant or painful sexual intercourse), another 2% have vaginismus (in which penetration is not possible due to muscle spasms).
"Women who are physically healthy suffer from them, but libido and the ability to orgasm can be preserved. The causes are mainly psychogenic - modulating influence of the past, character traits, partner problems, depression, fatigue syndrome. It can be a primary sexual dysfunction, which is present from the beginning of sexual life, or a secondary one - it arises only after a period of normal sexual reactivity."
So it is not something that a woman can "snap her fingers" and solve and it does not in any way reflect her feelings towards her partner. It doesn't even have to define the intensity of her desire, it's just that sometimes our bodies react differently than we want them to.
"In the case of some female sexual dysfunctions, such as libido or orgasm disorders, the assessment can be problematic, often it is only a slow eroticization of the woman. Female sexuality is more vulnerable due to past experiences, situational influences, stimulation technique and the quality of the partner relationship," the sexuality expert further explained. In her opinion, it mainly takes time and patience.
If a woman simply needs a specific type of stimulation or experiences sex better with lubricant, there is not much to think about. "Not everyone has the expected erogenous zones. Touches on the breasts, nipples, or testicles can be so disturbing for some that it kills the sexual atmosphere for them. It's good if individuals are aware of this and know how to communicate it to their partner." You don't even have to worry about the fact that a woman would ultimately enjoy foreplay with a toy more than sex with the person she loves.
"Erotic aid does not replace a relationship, it can be used to induce a climax, but it will not satisfy you emotionally. If the partner experiences the most intense excitement through vaginal stimulation and the man is unable to do so, for example because of stamina or he suffers from erectile dysfunction, there is no need to philosophise about it too much. Include erotic aids in couple sex."
Men experience an orgasm very early during the first sex, and girls not at all
Psychologist Zdeňka Pospíšilová, who specializes in relationship counseling and also specializes in sexuality, BDSM and alternative relationships, explained to us that psychology plays a big role in sexual life, and not only during first sex. "Difficulties with insufficient erection, premature ejaculation or even loss of appetite for sex can be psychologically related. For example, it can be just your ordinary nervousness or more serious psychological problems such as depression or generalised anxiety disorder can be to blame," says the expert.
The context of sex is important for both men and women. Mental state can contribute to a better experience of sex, but it can also complicate it, regardless of gender. But especially for women, the psychological state can mean the difference between a "good" and a "bad" experience of sex.
On the one hand, you can experience a relaxed atmosphere, have a great desire for sex and reach orgasm, on the other hand, if you are not in the right mood, your desire for sex can decrease or sex can be painful (for women). "The good news is that the psyche can be supported, for example, by using relaxation techniques, which, thanks to their simplicity, can be very effective with regular practice," added Pospíšilová.
If you watch porn or use toys, you will never experience fulfilling sex with a real person
People often watch porn initially not for the thrill it brings them, but out of curiosity. Michaela Lebedíková, who studies pornography, told us, that people who watch porn are usually more open to sex, have more sex, or alternate more positions. "It's called permissive sexual behavior. But we don't know if one directly causes the other, if it's because they're watching porn, or if they're watching porn because they're more liberal.” It means there's some connection between pornography and your life, but one doesn't necessarily directly cause the other.
However, the truth remains that pornography can really distort your ideas about real sex and thus affect how you experience it. In her research, Michaela Lebedíková also focused on women who watched porn, and they confessed to her how much disappointment it brought to their lives.
“For example, one woman thought she was going to sigh because everyone sighs in porn, but she didn't. So she found out that it works differently. Another woman thought that they would have sex for 40 minutes, and she was also disappointed, it rarely happens like that for the first time. I also had respondents who, under the influence of porn, thought they had to swallow semen during oral sex. That's how they did it, but in the end they didn't like it," she told us in an interview.
However, this does not mean that porn will literally destroy your sex life. On the contrary, it can be a source of inspiration. The important thing in any relationship is to simply communicate openly: what you like, what you don't like and what you want to try. It works similarly with erotic aids.
According to sexologist Dana Šediva, toys do not disturb intimacy between partners if they have agreed on their use in advance. "They're not going to replace a relationship, but they're also not going to break anything, regardless of gender," she told Refresher in an interview. According to her, toys are mainly about experimentation and self-discovery. The younger generation is especially open to them. Although it may not be pleasant to hear from an expert that you could try a toy, such a recommendation is often given to people with sexual dysfunctions.
For women, for example, it can be vaginismus (vaginal penetration is not possible due to muscle spasms), in men, difficulty with erection. "We try to take these couples through psychotherapy and teach them to try to use what today's times have to offer. We try to help people who can't help themselves. Where it will help survival and prevent partners from worrying and giving up on intimacy, we recommend sexual aids," says the expert.
People who appear tender like "normal" romantic sex
You don't see tendencies towards BDSM in people. "I often come across the myth that BDSM or harder sex is preferred only by, for example, hardcore metal players or various other subcultures," revealed psychologist Zdeňka Pospíšilová. In reality, you can't tell at first glance whether a person looks like they would prefer "romantic, tender sex" or something harder. According to the psychologist, the easiest way to find out is by observing your feelings - or by observing the reactions of your partner.
"The truth is that these activities attract a variety of people across a wide range of interests. However, there is a difference between hard sex and BDSM. BDSM does not automatically mean hardness, it is an approach that can take many forms and does not necessarily involve intercourse.”
The word "normal" is also somewhat problematic. As Zdeňka Pospíšilová also told us, liking various alternative approaches to intimacy, for example strangulation during sex, is not bad in itself. "It is professionally called erotic asphyxia. It's an activity that's risky, whether solo or in a pair, and there's a lot of emphasis on safety," she said.
Is slapping during sex unaccaptable under all circumstances?
"Sex can be anything that suits both partners and does not cause physical or psychological harm. Sadomasochism is a sexual deviation, it is a different innate sexual script. In the couple's sadomasochistic sexuality, it is not a real suffering, but an indicative one, a role-playing," the sexologist told us.
According to her, every person has a certain limit beyond which the sexual atmosphere ends. Even a submissive person needs to feel safe during sex, which is why it is important to agree on boundaries in advance. For some, it's unimaginable - talking in detail about what you can and can't do. For others, this will ensure a sense of security and safety.
"It always depends on the context. For some, slapping in bed is exciting and can enhance the overall sexual experience. For others, it is something unimaginable in connection with intimate activities," said psychologist Zdeňka Pospíšilová. According to her, a slap is fine if it is within agreed limits. These boundaries apply not only to physical activities (strangling, slapping, etc.), but also to verbal humiliation or role play.
The most important thing for good and safe sex is open communication.
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